Hospice offers help to those grieving during the holidays
By Brian Brehm The Winchester Star

WINCHESTER — Everyone has experienced grief during the holidays, yet few people want to dwell on sadness during what should be happy, festive times. As a result, those coping with profound loss sometimes feel compelled to keep their sadness bottled up.

Blue Ridge Hospice has a better solution. The nonprofit at 333 W. Cork St. offers free grief support services to anyone ready to move beyond the pain of a loved one’s death.

“The holidays are full of memories,” said Courtney McCalley, grief support counselor at Blue Ridge Hospice, “so you will probably experience thoughts of your loved ones who are not physically there.”

McCalley said grief is usually at its most severe in the first year following a person’s death.

“That first holiday is often about coping,” she said on Monday. “Over time, people move from coping to adaptation.”

As people adapt, they usually create new traditions that allow them to address their grief and once again enjoy the holidays. Blue Ridge Hospice Grief Support Counselor Christina Thomas called this “the new normal.”

“We can’t really have our old normal back because that old normal included the person [who passed away],” Thomas said.

Blue Ridge Hospice President and CEO Cheryl Hamilton Fried is still learning to navigate her new normal without her husband Ronald Fried, who died three-and-a-half years ago on April 23, 2018.

Shortly after he passed, Cheryl Fried said she went to a holiday event alone that she and her husband had previously attended as a couple.

“I didn’t realize how overwhelming that feeling of isolation was going to be for me,” she said. “As time has passed, I have developed new traditions and kept some old.”

McCalley said everyone deals with grief differently, so individuals have to decide how comfortable they are with socializing and celebrating during the holiday season.

“Think about what your emotional bandwidth is as you’re making plans for the holidays, and really think about what you feel will be appropriate for you,” she said. “Perhaps a large gathering exceeds your bandwidth and it’s OK to say, ‘I don’t know if I have it in me this year to do a large gathering. But I don’t want to spend the holidays alone and I think I would like to see a person or two.'”

Those who choose to socialize shouldn’t worry about avoiding discussions regarding their lost loved ones.

“During the holidays after a loss, they’re really hesitant to mention the name of a person who has died in order to not make anybody upset,” Fried said about people in mourning. “This can cause anger and resentment because it makes people feel like those who endured the loss are forgetting or they’re not caring.”

Fried said it’s a good idea for holiday gatherings to include a photo of a lost loved one or a candle in their memory because it allows everyone, including those feeling the loss most profoundly, “to remember and talk about the person they’re missing.”

“I always include my husband in my celebrations by recognizing and honoring him, and will for the rest of my life,” she said.

Some people choose to ignore the holidays entirely in order to avoid the sadness that comes along with not celebrating with a loved one. McCalley said that’s understandable but may not be the best decision.

“We try not to tell people what they should and shouldn’t do,” McCalley said, “but in general, we don’t really grieve well alone. If you can engage in the holidays in a way that is not pushing you so far out of your comfort zone, or in a way that you don’t think is going to make you so uncomfortable that it’s going to be completely unpleasant, it’s good to interact with your support system during the holidays.”

Blue Ridge Hospice’s grief counselors offer several ways for people in mourning to interact with others and move beyond their pain. For example, a free virtual session called “Surviving the Holidays: A Grief and Loss Workshop” will be held from 5:30 to 6:30 p.m. Thursday. The event will be conducted online and participants can register by calling 540-313-9214 or emailing griefsupport@blueridgehospice.org.

A separate activity geared toward children ages 6-17 who are experiencing grief will be held virtually later in December.

“With this pandemic, there are thousands of children who have lost their parents,” Fried said. “They are spending their first holidays on their own, so we are trying to support them here at Blue Ridge Hospice any way that we can.”

Children and their families who want to participate in next month’s free grief-support activity are asked to call 540-313-9214 or email griefsupport@blueridgehospice.org as soon as possible. Once registered, participants will be sent materials to make luminaries in memory of their loved ones. A Zoom session will be held from 5 to 6 p.m. Dec. 8 to teach attendees how to make the luminaries, then everyone will meet at 5 p.m. Dec. 15 at the Lion’s Club Shelter in Sherando Park near Stephens City to light them, weather permitting.